A little over a month ago I lost my mom to a very aggressive stage 4 colon cancer. She was only diagnosed this May and I have been fully immersed in her care. Normally this blog is all about food and keeping it real. But part of keeping is real is sharing the really hard times of life and I am in the thick of it now. I hope this journey can bring comfort or understanding to someone else who is experiencing tremendous loss. I am no expert and I am fresh in the grief state, but I feel the need to share. I will still be keeping it real on the food front too. But for now, here is a bit of what is on my heart.
We have all heard the phrase be careful what you wish for. I am adapting a bit to be careful what you pray for.
From the first time of my mom’s diagnosis, I prayed two things. One that if she was to be healed from this crappy as cancer that it be obvious and without a doubt that she continues with treatments and it was doing its job. I remember the days of working in oncology where people had to make a really hard decision based on semi ok results. Having to weight the side effects of treatment with quality of life. I prayed that God would make it abundantly clear the path to take. Oh, boy did he ever, careful what you wish for.
The second prayer was she would never linger and suffer in her death journey. Again, in my nursing days, I witness that extreme suffering of patients and family to watch their loved one slow death. My Mom also had this wish, she watched her precious sister suffer tremendously in her death and my mom wanted no part of that. Of all things, she wanted to things to progress quickly and peacefully. Be careful what you wish for…
It’s not that I would have wanted her death to be any different, honestly, everything we prayed for came true. Wishes of her heart became the reality. But I did not realize was how damn hard it would STILL be. Even with answered prayers, it was painful. I was completely unprepared.
She died so quick. I have regrets of not looking her straight in the eyes to tell her how much I love her, how she was a wonderful mom. My mom and I did not leave things unsaid. We talked very openly and honestly, but this came so hard and fast. I thought I had more time.
I thought I had more time. Don’t get me wrong, when we found out that the tumors were growing through the chemo treatments, I knew she was not going to live long. But I certainly did not think she would pass within that week. It was a shock and a trauma that I did not expect. Somehow, I thought that peace would mean no pain. That she did not suffer either would I. That the knowledge of her in the glorious presence of God would make it all the sorrow go away. This is not the case. Grief is grief. It has to be felt and walked through. No matter how a loved one leaves us, it is traumatic. I am here grieving and God is weeping right alongside me. So, I am left with the fact that I no longer have an earthly mother. It is slowly becoming my reality. Nothing in my life will be the same. Well actually there is one thing. My savior, he is never wavering and always a consent in my life. Hebrews 13:8 For this I am thankful.